Ohio State Punter Guarantees Victory over #1 LSU

Week 2 of Season 3 features three big head-to-head match-ups, including #2 Alabama hosting #9 Notre Dame and #10 Miami traveling to Chapel Hill to battle #14 North Carolina. But, the headline game of the week is the ever-intriguing match-up between Coach cjohnchavis and Coach UTVol54, as the #1 LSU Tigers host #4 Ohio State in Tiger Stadium at 8pm tonight.

Coach cjohnchavis has yet to defeat a UTVOL54 coached team (save for a preseason RUTS2 scrimmage), and many experts are predicting this might be the year he lifts his top-ranked Tigers past the Buckeyes.

"Not so fast," says Ohio State punter Ben Buchanan.

Buchanan, a RS Sophomore who has yet to step onto the field in a Buckeye uniform called out the Tigers while walking past a group of reporters this week.

What the Hair?!

"These Tigers will not beat us," he said. "I have watched very RUTS3 Ohio State game from the best seat in the house, my 50 yard line bench seat, and I can tell you that this team will not be defeated tonight. I have it on good authority that our team isn't even worried about this game. We're really pumped to host Tennessee next week though...those orange pants are nice...real nice."

Buchanan struts his stuff walking to practice, his daily "3 hours of relaxation"

Buchanan went on to criticize the Tigers ankle-sock, hand warmer wearing QB, Cameron Traengen, calling him "the biggest douchebag to wear a football uniform since Matt Leinert's football career ended." Buchanan went on, "I mean, you're playing at Miami, in September, week 1 of the season, and that dude is wearing a hand warmer....a purple handwarmer. 'Yes We Cam?' More like....'no, you won't be able to' with this dude touching your center's butt before every play."

Cam's Week 1 Attire

When asked if his comments might strike a nerve with the angry bunch of Tigers, Buchanan balked. "They won't see me on the field, why should I be scared? I know some of their players wish they were on our sideline with me, wearing red and black, but this week's game is going to leave them helpless. We have the better team, and I have better hair than their entire roster combined." 

Coach StuBucksman agrees:

This week's game will also be a special one for Buckeyes Coach UTVOL54, as he returns to the stadium and campus where he coached for 5 seasons in RUTS1, leading the Tigers to 1 National Title, 4 SEC titles, and several choke jobs in big games. LSU fans are expected to give him a round of applause during pre-game warmups. But that hospitality will end once the ball is kicked off and this game gets underway.

This game should be a tight battle, with both teams' defenses leading the charge, and look for this game to come down to a Buckeyes field goal. if  LSU's top secret plan of injuring OSU starting Kicker/Punter Devin Barclay comes to fruition, then attempting that game winning FG will be none other than Ben "hair gel" Buchanan, himself. Who will have the last laugh?!