Phoenix, Ariz. --- It was a landmark day for the Arizona Cardinals. A season after making the franchise's first ever Super Bowl appearance, a young handsome (some might say striking) new face was hired to take over the reigns of the team to get them over the hurdle and win the Super Bowl. Coach StuBucksman, whose previous coaching stints include Hawkins Middle School, the South Carolina Gamecocks, the Miami Hurricanes, and the Florida Gators, was excited to make his first head coaching appearance in the NFL. But something happened on the way to the Week 1 alter.
ESPN.com has cited "sources close enough to the situation to smell Coach Stu's farts" that Coach StuBucksman was over-served at a Phoenix Chick Fil-A and passed out in the parking lot, likely due to Chick Fil-A sauce intoxication.
"He was slurpin' away on Chick Fil-A sauce cocktails," said an unnamed Cardinals fan, who witnessed Coach Stu's antics. "I mean I'm a big fan of Coach Stu and that sauce, but what he was doing was borderline disgusting."
Witnesses state that after enjoying a nice, sit down (not drive thru) pre game meal at the local Chick Fil-A with his wife, Coach Stu began accepting free pocket-sized packets of the sauce from fans, who thought the sauce might provide Coach Stu with a healthy and filling in-game snack on the sidelines. Unbeknowngst to the naive fans, Coach Stu didn't know when to say when, and began inhaling the sauce at Usain Bolt-like speeds.
"The next thing we knew, he's got a martini glass full of the sauce and is trying to get the entire restaurant to do the chicken dance on top of the tables," said a 49
ers fan, who was in the restaurant. "Things turned sour when he started
the conga line that paraded out into the parking lot."
Once in the parking lot,
Stu posed for photographs with onlookers and started singing the classic R. Kelly song
"The World's Greatest" before collapsing to the pavement in a pool of spilt sauce.
"I have never in my life seen such a display of sheer will and inner-strength to digest so much Chick Fil-A sauce," said a young Cardinals fan. "Plus his stirring rendition of that R. Kelly song gave me goosebumps. It was magical, and he has the voice of an angel!"
Several hours later, long after his team's 24-27 loss to the 49ers, Coach Stu woke up in his Arizona mansion, unable to remember anything about the pre-game meal or the shenanigans that followed.
"Despite my best intentions to support the RUTS 2 official sponsor before my team's game, my actions got the best of me," said Coach Stu in a written statement released by the Cardinals today. "I'm not here to make excuses, but that sauce is just so dang good. I know now that it's best to wait until after the game to partake in any more CFS cocktails. I would like to thank my team for carrying on without me, and despite them losing to a team with the worst QB in the NFL, I know great things lie ahead for our organization. We will have our revenge against the 49ers, and their [rainbow loving] fans who were chanting "EAT MORE CARDINAL" at the end of last night's game. No one messes with our team, or the Chick Fil-A slogan. Payback awaits."
