Friday, November 19, 2010

Sooner Recruiting Scandal Investigation Intensifies

(Warning: the following report contains inside jokes...proceed with caution)


Phone taps, text message records, allegations of late-night pantie raids during recruiting visits, and boatloads of free-spending boosters and coaches has rocked the citizens of Norman, Oklahoma and their beloved Sooner football program. Over the past two weeks, investigative celebrity reporter April O'Neil, of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fame, has been seen in Norman, going door to door trying to tie the pieces of the puzzle together to get to the bottom of the alleged recruiting violations Oklahoma Coach utvol27 has been committing since RUTS1.

O'Neil reported yesterday that Coach utvol27 has been tied to a mafia leader and former gangster known only by the name of "Big Snacks." While the whereabouts of Big Snacks had been unknown for some time, rumors began swirling last week that the mafia boss would be in Norman for the Sooners game against Miami. O'Neil, the clever reporter that she is, posted these photos on her Twitter account late last night, seemingly proving that Big Snacks was in town and that he and Coach utvol27 have some kind of working relationship.

Big Snacks schmoozing it up with two former Sooner greats, Bozworth and Dupree.


Big Snacks and Coach utvol27 share pleasantries...perhaps before 
discussing their next big payout to star QB Landry Jones??!!

With such allegations and peaked interest into the underground "pay for play" culture that Coach utvol27 seems to have created amongst his teams, it's amazing that the #2 Sooners have not let the distractions alter their path toward the BCS National Championship game.

With the new ties with Big Snacks, however, things may start to heat up under the Coach's seat. Big Snacks, who has made a name for himself in the gangster world by chugging excessive amounts of canned Gatorade and gallons of milk with relentless passion, could heighten the investigation into Coach utvol27's program. Big Snacks isn't a Sooner fan, but just a huge fan and former stalker of Coach utvol27 and his coaching abilities. Big Snacks, who made his fortune in the mid 2000s as a nationally known public speaker, was tied into the rumors of funneling hundreds of thousands of dollars into the pockets of Clemson stars CJ Spiller, Willie Korn, and Da'Quan Bowers during Coach utvol27's 5-year tenure.

Legend has it that Big Snacks' passion for providing illegal cash assistance to players stemmed from his days as the starting QB for the South Knoxville Little Vols pee-wee football team. Big Snacks, after a record breaking season in 1996, one in which he and his teammates were provided no post-game juice boxes, vowed to never let a football player that he rooted for go without. The rest of the story, according to the latest allegations, is history.

Big Snacks airs it out for the Little Vols, during a record breaking day on the field. This play was nullified due to an equipment violation. File photo, circa 1996.


Since joining forces with Coach utvol27, Big Snacks has since followed the coach around to stops with the Dallas Cowboys, and now the Oklahoma Sooners. April O'Neil reports that the FBI's paper trail on Big Snacks is a mile long, and includes text messages to Sooner players, coordinating players-only pantie raids on campus, and voice mails left on Sooner players' cell phones. One of the voice mails, which was left on the cell phone of Sooner QB Landry Jones, was recorded and sent to April O'Neil. The message, left by Big Snacks, simply stated the cryptic words, "if you be good to me...(ooohhh)...I'll be good to you...and we'll both ride home in my Yautomobile."

Clearly, Big Snacks is buying cars for the Sooner players too, or at the very least offering them rides. Big Snacks was a special guest of Coach utvol27 on the sidelines of the Miami game, and unnamed players were overheard speaking after the game about the "chubby guy in the tuxedo handing out sunflower seeds, lollipops and cash" on the sidelines during the game.


The #2 Sooners have two more games (at Florida State and at #3 Stanford) to close out the regular season before heading to Dallas to face #4 Ohio State for the Big XII title game. Who knows how this investigation will progress before then. For now, the Sooners Coach and his mafia sidekick will keep paying and winning, until something is proved.

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