Tuesday, August 25, 2009

RUTS Free Agent Signings Headlined By Mystery Men, Makino and Walsh

The RUTS front office released the winning bids for the preseason Free Agent signings, and most teams came away pleased. Several RUTS teams picked up some solid NFL veterans who will jump right into the final week of preseason camp and make an immediate impact with Week 1 just days away.



The Arizona Cardinals picked up some much needed depth at CB with the addition of perennial Pro Bowler Chris McAlister. McAlister signed a deal with the Cardinals of 18 points, making him the highest paid player in the NFL. The Cards defense also will be boosted by the addition of LB Derrick Brooks, who Coach StuBucksman called "one bad mamma jamma." Rumors are circulating around the league that Arizona is trying to work on a trade deal that could send shock waves through the RUTS community.

Chris McAlister arrives at Cardinals team headquarters. A team manager looks on and says "dang that's a big truck!"

Future Hall of Famer and former Colt Marvin Harrison signed a deal with the rival Tennessee Titans for 15 points, and he is the second highest paid player in the league. Although Harrison has seen his better days in the NFL, the Titans are counting on his veteran leadership and productivity to lift its group of improved WRs. The Titans also added OL Mike Wahle, who will step into the starting LG position, giving the Titans arguable the best OL in football.

New Titan Marvin Harrison is happy to be a Titan, although he says it "really really hurt my feelings" when he learned that he'd be required to shave his 1980s mustache
The New England Patriots added to an already stacked roster by scoring great deals on RBs Edgerrin James and JJ Arrington, while also signing former Patriot CB Ty Law, who Peyton Manning has called the "toughest CB he's ever faced."

Edge is bringing THE EDGE back to Foxboro. Coach CJohnChavis insisted he wouldn't sign the RB unless he brought back his good teeth and dreads. Done!
The San Diego (Super) Chargers added two top players to add depth on the OL and DL, and are awaiting word to see if they will obtain Safety Lawyer Milloy. Milloy is weighing his options and will decide tomorrow if he wants to play in "a whales vagina" or in freezing cold Minnesota. Could his options be any better?? I think not!


After Coach utvol27 announced his Cowboys would be switching to the 4-3 defense, Dallas made it a priority to sign a top DT, and they did so in signing John Thornton. Thornton will start from day 1 and give Dallas some girth and punch in the trenches. The Cowboys also added former VOL FS Jonathan Hefney, who coach utvol27 calls the "little engine that could."



The Minnesota Vikings went wild in free agency, signing a RUTS high of 10 players. The Vikings were extremely smart in their free agent bidding, adding depth and talent to its offensive line and at linebacker and DB. Coach ChrisHicks21, a RUTS rookie head coach, obviously showed no signs of being timid, and has the Vikings on pace to make a run at the Super Bowl in his inaugural campaign.



The Pittsburgh Steelers decided not to make any free agent bids. Coach zeejaydee said that "confidence and talent is not an issue with my team. We don't need no stinkin' has beens or nevers was players. I'll take my chances with with my long haired barbarian of a strong safety and my Terrible Towel waving fans."

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Every team hopes their free agent signings will make an immediate impact, but perhaps the craziest stories of all the signings occurred in Nashville and Foxboro. The Titans won the bid for free agent RB Shagg Makino and the Patriots won the bid for WR Joe Walsh...but that is where the story gets interesting.



Makino (RB rated 67) and Walsh (WR rated 68) are real people....but they're not football players. Here's a quote from an EA Sports source...



"Here's the deal with Joe Walsh and Makino on the free agent list. Each year our music team donates a free agent spot in the next Madden for the Grammy Foundation to auction off. We actually ended up with two winners, Makino and Walsh. Joe Walsh is 'the' Joe Walsh from the Eagles. He was one of the winners from the auction. Makino was was the other winner. Both submitted their desired skills and position and Donny fit them into the overall mix.We didn't think anyone would notice but boy were we wrong."



The storylines on these signings are limitless!! With his 95 speed rating, Makino will arrive in Nashville and step right in as the Titans' starting kick returner.



Joe Walsh may not make an immediate impact in New England on the football field, because of the Pats' loaded WR corps, but he'll undoubtedly be able to give the Pats a "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" while drinking "Tequila (at) Sunrise." Even as "The New Kid In Town," Walsh will hook the team up with some cheap rates at the "Hotel California" when they play in San Diego. Walsh was ecstatic upon deboarding his plane in Foxboro, saying that although he's been labeled a "Desperado," "One of these Nights" he's going to "Take It To the Limit" to help the Pats live "Life In the Fast Lane" on their way to the Super Bowl.



"One Of These Nights," Walsh said, "the Eagles in Philly will realize I'm 'Already Gone.' I'm ready to be a Patriot now, and although Coach cjohnchavis is a mean coach who cusses too much, and drinks tequila and smokes doobies at practice, "Love Will Keep Us Alive."

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