Coach UTVOL54 Appears On "PTI"; Predicts National Title

In a Babe Ruth-esque move, LSU Coach UTVOL54 appeared on ESPN's Pardon The Interruption this afternoon. During the show's "Five Good Minutes" segment, UTVOL54 announced to the world that his Tigers are the team to beat for the 2011 National Championship.

"No defense in America can match our depth and speed on offense," he said to shocked hosts Tony Kornhieser and Michael Wilbon, who often try unsuccessfully to get guests to offer bulletin board material.



"I dare anyone to look at our depth chart at QB, RB, WR, TE, and O-line and not be scared of looking into the eye of the Tiger. Go ahead, take a gander!"

Kornheiser asked UTVOL54 if he was worried about the possibility of facing arch-nemesis/best buddy Coach StuBucksman's Florida Gators twice this season, to which UTVOL scoffed, "add up the total combined scores of our previous 3 RUTS games. 134-44, Tigers. Enough said."

Wilbon questioned whether or not LSU could run through its gauntlet of a schedule unscathed, especially since the Tigers will be replacing five key defensive stars.

"Look," UTVOL54 said, "my players will be ready. Our motto this year, "ON A MISSION" is from the 1980s Young MC song, Bust A Move. Its lyrics sum up my thoughts:

"You're on a mission and you're wishin'someone could cure you're lonely condition

You're lookin for love in all the wrong places

No fine girls just ugly faces."

"That means we have ugly, snot nosed dudes on defense," said UTVOL54. "No fine girls, so we'll be tough."

To close the segment, while Kornheiser and Wilbon were stunned, UTVOL54 went on an epic tirade not seen since Mike Gundy's "I'm a Man, I'm 40!" speech.

"The LSU Tigers are on a mission, plain and simple. Nothing will stand in the way of us hoisting a national championship banner at the end of the season and getting fitted for huge championship rings. Clemson? Old news! Florida? They will pee their jorts in Death Valley! FSU? More like F-S-Poo! Nebraska? Corn is my favorite veggie! To sum it up - we will run through any and all opposition. Mark it down in Sharpie marker, or better yet tattoo it on your butt cheek. Thanks for having me on the show."