Stern Warning Issued to Coach Stu and Alabama Fans

Slive has "had it up to here" with Bama fans

In an unprecedented move, the NCAA, SEC Commissioner Mike Slive, and RUTS headquarters laid the smack down on Coach StuBucksman and the entire Alabama football fan base. In a written statement, the three parties sternly warmed Coach Stu to let Alabama fans know that there is a "zero tolerance policy" on killing the houseplants, bermuda grass, shrubbery, fake flowers, or weeds in the yard of any RUTS team or coach.

Stu says, "Yo, Yo...get off my case."

"Killing plants will not be tolerated," said Slive. "Coach Stu will be held accountable for each and every one of his deranged, lunatic fans. He has fostered the culture of silliness and trouble making amongst his fans, and he is partially to blame for this warning."

In case you've been living under a rock for the past 24 hours, this warning was issued in direct correlation to longtime Alabama fan and nutjob Harvey Almorn Updyke Jr.turning himself into police for placing urine in Coach EBDial's sprinkler system in the days leading up to this week's big Tennessee/Alabama game. Updyke was arraigned and charged with negligent tomfoolery and inappropriate use of urine on a football coach's lawn. The urine, apparently used in mass quantities caused EBDial's lawn to smell like urine for hours and angered neighbors, dogs, and cats.

Bama fans, thank him for the zero tolerance policy!

Cameron Treangen makes a promise

Baton Rouge, LA - "To the fans and everybody in Tiger nation: You know what? I’m sorry, extremely sorry. We were hoping for a championship season, that was my goal. It’s something coach cjohnchavis has never done here. But I promise you one thing. A lot of good will come out of this. You have never seen any player in the entire country,play as hard as I will play the rest of the season. And you will never see someone push the rest of the team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of this season. And you will never see a team play harder than we will the rest of this season. God bless.''

Bayou Shocker! Gators "Hand" LSU an upset loss

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

'Gator Gump' Gets Biber Fever, Just in Time for Battle in Baton Rouge

On the eve of his team's battle with #5 LSU, Florida Head Coach, Coach Gump, made a surprise appearance at last night's Grammy Awards. After Gump's highly publicized week-long rendezvous with singer Katy Perry during week 3 of the season, he went out on a limb to purchase tickets to the Grammys on StubHub, hoping to bask in the glow of his lover's hit songs. After learning that the Perry-Gump relationship was only a evil plot to distract him from football, Gump's spirits remained high and he decided to follow through with his plans to attend the awards show in LA.

Instead of making a scene on the red carpet, and begging Perry to return to Gainesville with him, Gump did what every reasonable American would do...grew his hair out and was diagnosed with a full case of Bieber Fever.

"I know sexy when I see it," Gump said walking the red carpet last night. "My team is in Baton Rouge right now, getting ready for tomorrow's big game. But, I just had to fly out here to LA and show the world that 'Gator Gump' is back on the scene. I am pretty sure I can become the country's next sex symbol."

When asked about his fling with Katy Perry, Gump scoffed and wiped away a tear. "She broke my heart, but our team has used it as motivation." That might be true. Since the "couple" split, the Gators have been on a tirade, smashing Tennessee, Kentucky, and Ole Miss. Will the good fortune continue tonight at Tiger Stadium?

"I can only promise you two things," Gump said. "We will play hard for 4 quarters, and I will NOT be wearing a hat to cover up this hair."

Another Job Offer? Coach Stu Offered Prominant Position at Chick-fil-a

Just hours after returning from a 3-day leadership conference at Chick-fil-a headquarters in Atlanta, GA, Coach StuBucksman, head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide, was reportedly offered an executive position at the company.

"We were thrilled with Coach Stu's enthusiasm for our company, our products, and our friendly customer service," said Chick-fil-a President Dan Cathy. "We have made a formal offer to him and hope that he will accept."

Cathy did not specify the position's title, but sources have confirmed to RUTS that the job is Assistant to the Regional Manager at the Chick-fil-a store in the company's Buffalo, NY restaurant. Duties are not known, and at this time, it is unclear if Coach Stu will accept or even consider the position.

As expected, Alabama fans are nervous and mad about the possible departure. Coach Stu declined comment for  this story, but did make posts to his Twitter account :
  
The real deal Truetype Cathy! @ChickfilA rules! Just had there new pizza, Up Scale Pizza! Yummy! http://twitpic.com/3xr64w

Hey @AlabamaFootball... I am at @ChickfilA headquarters and they have the good ice! Why don't we have this??! It's an attraction. http://twitpic.com/3xr888

Photos have also been released from Coach Stu's time. He's clearly enjoying the moment:

Coach Stu was asked to pose with Dan Cathy for a possible company photo

Coach Stu always loves a good costume, and relished the chance to join Dan Cathy in dressing up like a cow for a lunchtime skit during the conference.

"Front Row Stu" was the nickname that the Coach earned by the end of the conference. Stu said that Cathy "smelled like fresh chicken and sweet tea."

Who knows what will come of this, but for now, Coach Stu is focused (we think) on beating Arkansas in week 4 before leading his team into Miami to face the undefeated Hurricanes.

Distractions Galore for Coach Gump Before Gators' Matchup Against Ohio State

An US Weekly/RUTS exclusive:

In week 2, Ohio State ran rough-shot over defending national champion Alabama, beating the Tide 45-21 in Tuscaloosa. Now, it appears Coach UTVOL54, head football coach of the Buckeyes, is up to his old tricks again. A week after getting into a war of words with longtime friend and video game rival, Alabama Crimson Tide Head Coach StuBucksman, before their teams' week 2 match up, Coach UTVOL54 has upped his game even more this week as the Buckeyes prepare for the arrival of the Florida Gators and new Coach Gump.

"I know what makes this man tick," said Coach UTVOL54. "Just like Coach Stu, Coach Gump and I have been amigos for a long time. I know how to push his buttons and get him distracted. What better way to ensure a victory over his Gators than by serving him up the ultimate distraction?"

Of course, Coach Gump has already faced NCAA distractions and inquiries this season, but the Gators have surged ahead, giving up only 7 total points to Cincinnati and UCLA in weeks 1 and 2. But distractions from the NCAA pale in comparison to what Coach UTVOL54 had in store this week.

US Weekly has learned that the Ohio State Coach sent longtime closet Buckeyes fan and singer-songwriter-ProActiv spokesperson-superstar extraordinaire Katy Perry and her cat Kitty Purry on a top-secret mission to Gainesville, Florida. The Mission? To distract Coach Gump all week and not allow him any time to scout, gameplan, or even think about his team's week 3 game against the Buckeyes.

It appears US Weekly's are legit, as photo evidenced was sent anonymously to RUTS headquarters this morning. The Gainesville Sun even picked up on the story. Instead of rendezvousing with his playbook this week, Coach Gump apparently has been seen rendezvousing with "destiny."

Katy Perry reportedly showed up at the Gators football training facility on Monday of game week and swept the Gators Coach off his feet, singing a stirring, acoustic rendition of her first hit single "Ur So Gay", and the rest, according to people in Gainesville, is history.

"We seen them jorts shoppin at Wal-Mart," said one Gator fan. "At first, I's like, 'that there's Coach Gump.' But then I's like, 'wait a minnit, that's Katy Perry too!' I's kinda surprised."

Katy Perry and Coach Gump walk the red-carpet at grand opening of "Cozy Denim," Gainesville's newest Jorts Superstore.

One student at UF said that Katy has been seen eating cotton candy and frolicking around the Gators football facility all day, every day this week. "It's super cool," the student said. "I'm not sure how it will translate to the field on Saturday, but it's been smelling like sugary strawberries around here all week, so what's not to love? Win or lose in Columbus, we've had a good week here."

Coach Gump and Katy were spotted leaving the Purple Porpoise Oyster Bar on campus late on Tuesday. Upon being seen by photogs, the couple (???!!!) sped off in Coach Gump's Mini Cooper, "Teenage Dream" blaring from the car's speakers.

Perry even invited rapper Snoop Dogg to join the fun in Gainesville, where they sang a stirring rendition of 'Gin and Juice' at the Purple Porpoise's weekly Karaoke Night.

After a late night on the town, Perry somehow convinced Coach Gump to put on her purple wig and pose for a Facebook photo with Kitty Purry.

Who knows how Coach Gump will take the news once he learns that this entire week of romance, love, and tomfoolery with Katy Perry was nothing more than an elaborate scheme by rival Coach UTVOL54 to gain a leg-up in this week's game. His heart? Possibly broken. His eyes? Shedding tears. His spirit? Likely un-faltered, say his hopeful players.

It worked last week for Coach UTVOL54, but did this week's pre-game antic cross the line? Will Coach Gump be like a man possessed this week as he runs through the tunnel at Ohio Stadium and leads his team onto the field? Or, will Gump simply greet Coach UTVOL54 with a smile, a fist-pound, and the biggest "thank you" he's ever spoken?

The Longest Yard

Baton Rouge, LA - There are two things that coach cjohnchavis has never accomplished in RUTS play: winning a championship and beating coach utvol27. For one, or perhaps two moments this afternoon in Baton Rouge, it looked like that second monkey might be removed from the coach's back.

The LSU Tigers missed on a 34 yard field goal at the end of regulation, and were stopped short on a two point try in OT while falling short to the Oklahoma Sooners by the score of 28-27.

The Tigers set the tone early in the contest by taking a 7-0 lead on the opening 83 yard drive. LSU came out running and leaned heavy on the back of halfback Spencer Ware. "Spencer was ready," said coach cjohnchavis "We had a lot of faith in him and he didn't disappoint." The drive took over more than half of the first quarter as Ware plunged into the endzone with 2:25 remaining in the first period.

The Sooners answered with a clock eating drive of their own. QB Drew Breezy connected with backs on several pass attempts and found running back William Russell for a 5 yard score with 3:29 to play in the second quarter. "We really felt that after they scored with under 4 minutes on the clock, that we could pull a stubucksmanscorebeforehalf and remain in control of the game" said coach cjohnchavis.

The Tigers did find time for a score. LSU mixed carries by Ware and passes to TE Eric O'Neal to march down the field. The big play of the drive came when QB Cameron Treangen found WR Bryan Abrams to convert a 4th and 7 from their own 43 yard line. O'Neal scored on a 7 yard pass with 28 seconds remaining in the half and it looked as if the Tigers would take a lead into halftime.

"Biggest mistake of the game? Playing soft zone right before half... staying in Quarters, not taking a timeout when the thread was being pulled. I could have stopped it. I could have saved my guys seven points. It was a coaching error and that falls on me." lamented cjohnchavis as the Sooners completed thing long passes to find the endzone on a touchdown pass from Breezy to WR Kenny Stills.

Oklahoma would begin the second half with the ball and a chance to take control of the game. However, the Tiger defense held firm to force the games only punt. The Tigers chewed more clock before Treangen found O'Neal on a 45 yard pass to recapture the lead. The Sooner would answer in the 4th quarter, on the legs of JerMuriquan Jones, as he scored on a 5 yard carry with 4:04 left to play.

LSU had its opportunity. They kept the ball on the ground, converting a 4th and 2 with a toss sweep by Ware. A pass to Abram got the Tigers to the 27 where P/K Derek Helton took his shot at history.

"Derek is the best kicker in college football, I still believe in him. If we had a game winner next week I'd roll him out there again." said Tiger coach cjohnchavis. Coach cjohnchavis actually had two opportunities to call on Helton. Helton missed both times, the second coming as a matter of controversy over a quick whistle while "icing the kicker" by coach utvol27.

"I knew that we changed the rule in RUTS3," said coach utvol27 "no more icing the kicker, but I had a time out, and gave it a shot." Helton missed short on both occasions and the game went to overtime.

The Sooners struck first as Jones broke loose for a quick 21 yard score. The Tigers now trailed for the first time in the contest, this time however, there would be no answer by Spencer Ware. The Junior halfback was injured on the first play of OT, however, senior backup Will Chase would carry five times and find the endzone.

What would follow would be one of the more memorable moments and decisions in RUTS history. "I had to go for two, We had to. I just made the wrong play call. I thought we set up the pass by running on every play in OT, but those guys over there are good coaches and they made the right call." said coach cjohnchavis. The Tigers called a run pass option, and with O'Neal and Abrams covered, Treangen dashed for the endzone. Treagen was pulled down at the one, ending the game in favor of the Sooners.

"I shouldda run it, I should have trusted Will Chase, this one is one me." said cjohnchavis. The finish reminded many of the 1984 Orange Bowl. Coach Tom Osborne would have to wait another 11 years to get a shot at the title after that missed 2 point try, but would go on to win 3 titles in 4 years.

Buckeyes Ready to Shift RUTS Powers

WEEK 2 is officially "Put Your Big Boy Pants On Week" in RUTS3!

There are 4 user vs user games happening that will give teams an idea of where they stand in the pecking order of the national scene. Notre Dame at UNC, Miami at Tennessee in a rematch of last year's Cotton Bowl thriller, and in the ongoing battle of SEC football vs. Big XII football...the Buckeyes of THE Ohio State University, ranked #5 in the nation, travel to Title-town USA to face off against Coach StuBucksman Alabama Crimson Tide. The #6 ranked Sooners of Oklahoma head to the Bayou wrangle with the #2 ranked LSU Tigers.

While the trash talk between the Tigers and the Sooners has been minimal, bulletin board material has been flying all over the place in Tuscaloosa and Columbus.

The Buckeyes and Coach UTVOL54 enter the clash with Alabama with a huge chip on their shoulder. After losing to the Tide in season 1's national title game, and blowing a 21-7 lead in falling at home to Alabama in season 2, Coach UTVOL54 has been adamant that this game will  set the tone for the entire Buckeyes' season.

"We are sick and tired of losing big games," huffed Coach UTVOL54 after the Bucks arrived at the team's headquarters in Birmingham, AL. "I told our guys that (tonight) we are making a statement! There is going to be a seismic shift of power in college football, and we're starting that tonight. We have the talent, the speed, and the leaders to come down here and beat Alabama."

Always the showman, Coach StuBucksman, earlier in the week, surprised the media and his team when he donned a full-scale Hulk Hogan outfit to practice, accompanied by a World Championship belt.

"Haters Gonna Hate!" says Coach Stu

"I am a real American....fight for the rights of every man! I am a real American, fight for your rights, fight for what's right!" screamed Coach Stu. "Everyone in the country says we no longer deserve to be ranked #1...hogwash! We are still the champions, and no one is going to come into our house and push us around. I'd be shocked if the Bucks left the state of Alabama in one piece."

When word got out to Coach UTVOL54 that Coach Stu was bringing Hulkamania into the mix, the Buckeyes' Coach quickly reentered the conversation. "Hulk is a has-been champion, just like Alabama," said Coach UTVOL54. "Now, just like the Hulkster without his steroids, Bama and Coach Stu are without Trent Richardson, and are balding at a rapid rate, hanging on to days gone by. We will make Bama look like little cute baby Hulks, crying for a bottle.

"At the end of the game, the title belt will be passed to the new sheriff in town," said the rambunctious Ohio State Coach. "The sweater vest is coming off tonight...I'm un-tucking my shirt and going to work! Rammer Jammer will not be played in Bryant-Denney Stadium tonight. We will scuff up their Keds and make Coach Stu wish he'd taken that Iowa State coaching job in the offseason."

Passing the torch?! Could this be the scene tonight after the Tide/Bucks clash?

Coach Stu jabbed back, but not in the form of words...he simply pulled his hand out of his pocket to reveal his hardware:

Coach Stu flashes his 2 Alabama National title rings and a Super Bowl ring from his days in Arizona!

Will Alabama be able to keep a strangle-hold on its place atop the national rankings and RUTS3's food chain? Or, will Ohio State be able to break through, finally win a big game, and erase demons of past seasons' flops and chokes?

We will soon find out!

5 Star Running Back Mixed up in Recruiting Scandal

Laramie, WY — Despite telling an assembly at his high school that he’d been recruited by the University of Wyoming and that he planned to sign a letter of intent to play there, Apex High School senior Kyle Ryan was never recruited by the college, officials in the Apex County School District said Tuesday.

The district reported that it has been so far been unable to verify that Ryan, a senior running back at Apex, was ever offered an athletic scholarship to play football by Wyoming or Oklahoma State University.

The investigation is continuing, the school district said.

Dave Williams, Oklahoma State assistant athletic director for media services, said that Hart was “never in our system.”

Apex coach Mike Hodges and Ryan's father have declined comment on the situation because, as Hodges said earlier this week, it is under “law enforcement investigation.” Hodges said that contact had been made with both the Apex County sheriff’s department and the NCAA.

“This is involving law enforcement and may involve other departments, other than the NCAA, that are bigger than local,” said Hodges, who has been a coach for more than 20 years. “I would love to tell you everything I know, but I can’t at this time and I’m not even sure what I know.

”Up until the other night I was a happy man.“

Just hours after the 5-foot-10, 190-pound half back told the entire student body Friday that he planned to sign a letter of intent to play at Wyoming rather than Oklahoma State, doubt set in about his claim.

Rivals.com, a respected recruiting Web site, reported that ”the Wyoming staff has had no contact whatsoever with Coach Hodges or Ryan, and they have not visited him; nor has Ryan been on a recruiting trip to any school.“

College coaches are prohibited from commenting on a recruitable athlete, including to verify if an offer is on the table.

”The NCAA is involved because Wyoming and Oklahoma State are involved,“ said Eddie Bonine, executive director of the North Carolina Interscholastic Activities Association, which governs North Carolina high school sports. He’s been kept abreast of the situation by Apex County School District Assistant Superintendent Teri White. ”It could be that someone was impersonating those schools.“

Bonine said the NCAA was notified because of Wyoming and Oklahoma State's involvement, even if that involvement was involuntary.

The Rivals report differs significantly from statements Hart made Friday, including that he made an official visit to Oklahoma State the previous week.

”(Wyoming coach Dave Christensen) and I talked a lot, and the fact that the head coach did most of the recruiting of me kind of gave me that real personal experience,“ Ryan told local media after his announcement on Friday.

Bonine said he had never heard of a similar situation as the one described to him by White.

”My chin went to my chest. If I said ’Wow’ once, I said it five times,“ Bonine said. ”This could be a black eye, not for the program, but for the school, and it will be a learning opportunity for all schools.“

”We have a young student-athlete and a program to protect,“ White told Rivals.com. ”Our investigation has just begun. There’s certainly no evidence that any school knew anything about this."

Coach Gump = The New Lane Kiffin????

FLORIDA SLAMMED WITH SECONDARY VIOLATION

Gainesville, FL

New Florida head football coach, Coach Gump, has been slammed with his first violation as a member of the RUTS3 league. In an interview posted yesterday on this website, Coach Gump mentions star defensive end recruit Thomas Smith by name to the media, something that is prohibited for coaches to do during the recruiting process. The NCAA stepped in immediately and hit Coach Gump with a secondary violation.

When asked if it was just a simple slip-up or if it was done intentionally, Coach Gump replied, "We are going to do whatever it takes to get Florida back to being a national powerhouse....damn the rules! I wasn't hired to follow the rules, I was hired to win! And to win, we need the best players! I'm going to get the best, and I don't care how it's done!"

He added, "I've known Tommy for a long time, so I really don't see the problem with it. And once I get to know all these other recruits well, I might be naming them in public too, because I don't see the problem with it. The NCAA is just trying to run the show with their silly rules."

It appears that with this move Coach Gump is following in the footsteps of current USC head coach Lane Kiffin. When Kiffin was at Tennessee before the arrival of coach EBDial, he was notorious for doing anything to get the Vols in the spotlight. Now it seems Coach Gump has ripped a page out of the Kiffin playbook and is going to be a one-man soundbite down in Gator Country. Get ready to see lots more news out of Gainesville with Coach Gump at the helm.