AFC/NFC Championship Matchups Provide Sleepless Nights, Irritable Bowel Syndrome for RUTS Coaches

On the eve of the AFC and NFC Championship Games, 3 RUTS teams find themselves 4 quarters away from a possible Super Bowl birth.

The AFC title game features the Tennessee Titans (16-1) hosting the visiting New England Patriots (15-2). The two teams faced off in Week 6 in Foxboro, with the Titans coming away with a 41-21 victory. In that game, 2 Tom Brady INTs were huge, along with the Titans dominating the time of possession 27 mins to 13 mins. The Pats have revenge on their minds!

Since that game, the Pats have been on a tear, winning 11 games in a row behind the arm of Brady. Throw in a revamped running game behind rookie RB Ian Johnson, and the Patriots enter this game with confidence that they can win the with the run or the pass. The Pats enter the game as a 3.5 point underdog, but Coach cjohnchavis strongly believes that his team is the most feared team in football right now.

"Everyone knows that defending Tom, when he's on, is almost impossible," said cjohnchavis. "We can beat you deep, short, horizontal, or vertical. I feel good about our chances."

Coach cjohnchavis growls at the paparazzi as his team arrives in Nashville.

On the other hand, Titans coach UTVOL54 says that the Patriots versatility has kept him up watching film at all hours of the night. "We're locking in on this game, and have found a new defensive package that the Pats have not seen this season," said UTVOL54. "We're taking a page out of the NY Giants defensive playbook from Super Tecmo Bowl and will be bringing pressure from every conceivable angle, including from under the field."

The Patriots have become more balanced offensively in the past 2 games, since rookie Ian Johnson took over the starting spot at RB, but will rely heavily on the pass to defeat the Titans. The home crowd will surely give the Titans a big lift, as owner Bud Adams has instituted a "wear your blue or else..." night at LP Field.

Chris Johnson will be back in the starting lineup for Tennessee (after missing 3 games with an upper arm fracture), and will undoubtedly be the focal point of Jerod Mayo and the New England defense. The tandem of Kerry Collins and Vince Young have provided a spark in the Titans passing game the past few weeks, but coach cjohnchavis said that his defense will be pinning their ears back to stop #28. "We can't give up big runs early," he said. "We're coming out ready to shut him down."

While Coach UTVOL54 expects to be up all night tonight watching film and first, second, and third-guessing his play call on his first offensive snap tomorrow, coach cjohnchavis is going to take in a little Nashville night life. "I'm headed to Tootsies tonight for a little honkey-tonkin and rebel rousin," he said. "From there, it's anybody's guess."


This game should be a barnburner between two teams who are playing good football. The Titans have played more user vs. user games than anyone in RUTS this season, and that will benefit them. But the Pats were able to rest some starters last week in their rout of Pittsburgh. As with every game, turnovers will be big, and defensive stops will be at a premium. The Titans need to pressure Brady and somehow force a few punts to slow down the NE scoring machine. The Titans can't afford to get into a track meet with the Pats, but if they're able to control the ball and the clock, this game could be one for the ages.
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The NFC race was thrown for a loop last week when Philadelphia and the refs stunned undefeated Dallas to advance to this week's NFC title game against defending NFC Champs, the Arizona Cardinals. Arizona is a 12 point favorite heading into the game, but the Eagles are determined to not let their improbable run come to an end just yet.

Arizona brings a versatile offense and a stingy defense into this one, with an array of playmakers on both sides of the ball. Kurt Warner, Mike Vick, Beanie Wells, Larry Fitzgerald, Eddie Royal, and even the cagey-veteran Warrick Dunn have made it difficult for teams to beat the Cards.

However, word out of Phoenix is that head coach StuBucksman is suffering from a "gurgly" battle of Irritable Bowel Syndrome after a late night binge at Arby's and isn't sure if he'll be able to coach the game from the sidelines.

"It's very touch and go," said Coach Stu from the comfort of his home toilet. "And by go, I mean GO! I think I'll be able to be with my team on the sidelines, but my main priority is making sure I don't poop my pants on national TV, and I may have to stay in the coaches box, ala Joe Paterno. Either way, no more Arby's for me for at least 2 days."

"We are not afraid of Philly," Stu said. "We will come out, play our game, and I promise you...we will be in the Super Bowl...Irritable Bowel Syndrome be damned!"

The RUTS league office and its competition committee will be keeping a close eye on this one, to make sure in a fit of rage Coach Stu doesn't reset the game and start over if things aren't going his way. "We will be watching Coach Stu like the eye of Mordor," said an unnamed head coach of the Dallas Cowboys.

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Now for the predictions....

THE SWAMI SAYS....

....Patriots 42, Titans 31

....Cardinals 35, Eagles 20